and so it goes...

beautifulbitterfruit

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Time to admit something

Hey, it’s me. Yea I’m aware you probably think I’ve forgotten all about you and moved on. I do that. I hide away and make people I care about think I’ve stopped thinking about them. That couldn’t be further from the truth. To be honest I kinda thought I had moved on though, thought I’d grown up and healed. Well, I haven’t. Does that make me crazy? I feel crazy. I feel so lost lately and all I can think about is you, and us, and how great we were together. I hate the distance for severing us, and I hate myself for letting it. I hate how much I’ve changed and it scares me that we might never connect that way again. People change, pain changes them. I have changed. I can honestly say I am an completely different person right now then I was when you were in love with me. Even writing that last bit hurt. You were in love with me. And I was with you. It would be so different if we had something concrete built up to explain our situation. We don’t though. We were too far, too young, too new at all of it. But that isn’t a reason. Had I stayed, would I still be in your arms right now? Would I be kissing you goodbye and driving home with a goofy grin on my face, feeling so in love with life? That’s what flashes across my mind when I feel lost, or alone, or hopeless. Those feelings. I long for those feelings, even now, on the verge of tears I can’t help but see how monumentous of a change has happened in me. In only a year I went from healthy, and happy, and strong to broken and weak and depressed all the time. I’m probably stupid for thinking that you and our relationship could help or change this in anyway. It’s my own battle and I have to fight it on my own. I just miss having you by my side along the way. 

I have three months left in this place, and plans to make the best of it, get my life back in order, find some happiness and truly leave my shitty thoughts and emotions behind. But, will it be any different when I get back between you and me? I know I shouldn’t hold my breathe, but you know me, you know I’m stubborn. I just thought it was about time to admit it, let it out and acknowledge the fact: I am not over you. I miss you. It’s been this way for nearly nine months. 

I’m sorry. 

Filed under i feel so broken i need help will someone please save me shattered

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People(you) need to…

People need to stop fucking blaming others for their own problems. They need to stop bitching and start doing things to correct the situation. It boggles my mind that some people in their adult stage of life can’t admit or acknowledge that, yes, they made a mistake. It’s not like it’s the end of the world, it’s not like it can’t get fixed, but they get themselves stuck at a point where they are just angry, and rude, and bitching about the issue. Be productive. Stop wasting time arguing about it. We all want the same thing so let’s fucking work on it together in a mature fashion. You’re just wasting time and burning bridges right now and YOU need to stop.

Filed under fucking film school grow up seriously